well as the title says i have been writing a fan fiction which i am going to hopefully finish as a full length book, i started writing it two days ago and had little time to really work on it, but im already up to chapter 2! ill try and post the first chapter and beginning but that is 6 pages alone so if it turns out to be to much, ill just post this thread and if you want to read it leave a response here and ill email/ pm it to you well lets see how it goes: DREAD RAVENS: THE FALL OF LEIKSGRAD “YOUR EMPEROR IS DEAD! End this useless struggle and join with those who would not see you die in your millions and rejoice! For you are with the Architect of Fate, the Changer of Ways! Turn your arms on you’re-” the loud hailer called before it was destroyed by a well placed las shot. Hundreds of Chyriptoran Guard walked in perfect unison down the main concourse of Leikzingard, the capitol Hive of Leiksgrad. The War on Leiksgrad had drawn on for 2 years Standard Imperial Time with no signs of any progress being made in either direction. During the Great Conscription of 4.588.M41 a large number of cults rose and attacked Leikzingard as well as the secondary Hives of Tenedrak, Vizilev, and Nethlay, the cultists charged under the banner of Tzeentch. The leaders of these cults used foul sorcery and turned large amounts of the civilian populace into raving cultists and foot soldiers of the Archenemy, they called themselves the “Black Host“. Since that day the Chyriptoran Guard, the mighty auxiliary army of the Dread Ravens Space Marine Chapter, had been fighting a bloody and long campaign. All of the fighting had been taking place around the 4 main Hives of Leiksgrad which had dragged the Guard into a 2 year long urban war. The column of Chyriptoran Guard was slowly working its way towards the Mercantile District of Leiksgrad to retake the bridges leading to the Western District’s of the Hive and the next phase of the war, pushing the heretics into the winter-wastes of the Outer Hive sprawl where massed orbital bombardment and concentrated air strikes would destroy the last of the heretics, or so the plan went. The progress had been slow at best with road blocks and IED’s Placed along every viable transport route for Guard’s heavier vehicles. The height of the battle for Leikzingard was beginning as the pieces came into play and both sides showed there hands, it was proving to be the hardest phase of the war to date and elements from the Chyriptoran Guard where being called in from all parts of the planet who were not already engaged in critical operations. The endgame of the battle for Leikzingard was beginning. CHAPTER 1. ANKORAH BRIDGE THE SOUND OF DIRT and broken glass under each massed foot fall was almost as deafening as the sound of the hundreds Medusa and Earthshaker emplacements 10 blocks behind, there number’s sending massive waves of over pressure in all directions. Ahead of the platoon a Sky Talon dropped a Tauros assault vehicle to add some more firepower to there advance towards the bridgehead. “Our objectives will be to secure the Hab blocks on our side of the river so our heavy weapons can cover our advance across the bridge itself!” Lt. Hartzman yelled over the sound the Sky Talon taking off to the NCOs huddled around his data slate. “Sgt. Deckk, your squad will be ahead of the platoon while we take the Hab block, you will hold the mouth of the bridge and begin clearing the area so our engineer’s can make it safe for our Heavies to roll in, expect heavy resistance but we will have air support from the fast movers!” as if to punctuate his comment a pair of Thunderbolts flew overhead and dropped there load of high explosive ordnance on the enemy held riverbank, “Sergeants Cheleko and Vel, your squads will be in charge of taking the Hab blocks, I will be sending my squad to back up Sgt. Deckk, any questions?” none of the NCOs spoke up, the Chyriptoran Guard where the most disciplined and trained fighting force in the sector, second only to the Dread Ravens themselves, they only needed to hear there orders once and they logged them into there headset’s mini cogitator and marked for quick prosecution. “Good! Now fall out to your squads we begin the operation in 10 minutes, The Emperor Protects” “The Emperor Protects SIR!” the NCOs repeated, saluted smartly and went back to there squads to relay there orders. “Sir this will be the 3rd attempt at the bridgehead in the last 19 hours, if this attack fails the Host will come charging straight down the bridge and roll us all the way back to the tram station” said First Sergeant Kruze “ Command better have something special up there sleeve or this isn't going to work” Lt. Hartzman turned to his advising NCO, “I have every faith in our men, and Command has done a bit more of planning for this op, even including dispersal of our rear line elements on there side of the bridge, its foolhardy but if the rear line troops are ready to push then command definitely has something in store, it just better be damn good.” Sgt. Deckk ran back to his squad huddled around the Tauros and looked over the bridge beyond. Ankorah Bridge was a 2 kilometer span of ferrocrete that straddled the river Karnos, There were two gatehouses on either side of the bridge that would have to be captured as well as a small blockhouse built as a fortress in the center of the bridge, effectively dividing the bridge in two. The very architecture of the city was built so that every street and building was a fortress in its own right, which is what has been slowing the Imperials down since the counter invasion began. “Alright boys fall in to me we got our orders” called Deckk “ we are the lucky sod’s that get to set up a blocking position on our side of the bridge and wait for the engineers to sweep for mines and clear any explosives, and since we will be at the bridge first, we will be the vanguard for the assault.” “Where are the other squads going to be Sarge?” asked Corporal Yanlee, “Lt Hartzman will be moving in with us while Cheleko and Vel secure the habs behind us, the Lt will be giving the signal so get ready, and don't stand too close to the Tauros it will be the first target for there rocket jockeys” Deckk said with a mocking smirk, a quick archaic one finger salute was returned by the gunner in good humor “if you do your jobs right we wont need to worry about them will we?” called the driver as the engine revved and the vehicle began to move into position, the gunner patting the turret mounted grenade launcher and checking the load. The squad began going over there ammo and checking each others gear to ensure only necessary equipment was where it needed to be, the Chyriptoran Guard usually wore black and gold trimmed dress armor during peace keeping operations but in an open conflict they all wore blocky urban digital camouflage of gray, white, and black under heavy flak weave webbing, there small pauldrons painted in base white and dulled yellow trim of the Dread Ravens. There las rifles were a longer variant to the Elysian MKIV drop rifle, the barrel was extended allowing for 3 extra focusing rings to give extra accuracy and stopping power, the bull pup design allowing for easier handling in close quarters, however due to the extra focusing rings the rate of fire was slower and the rifle was favorably fired in 3 round bursts. Trooper Satev had been a Chyriptoran Guardian for 3 years, picked from the best PDF units from around the sector like all other Guardians before and after him. Unlike other areas of Imperial space the Danikon sector was constantly under assault from heretics and xenos, resulting in highly experienced and well equipped PDF units. This was not his first taste of combat, his first blooding was against a splinter of hive fleet Ophidia when the tyranids attacked the agri world of Silihk. But this was different, countless other Guardians and PDF had fallen to take this bridge in less than a day, and it was his units turn, they would not run or falter and they did not fear death either; there only fear was loosing the bridge completely and being pushed back from the ground they captured after weeks of bitter fighting. “Satev I'm gonna be sticking with you when we get to the bridge, I need someone to load the .30 for me” said Trooper Darlow, the squads LMG operator “yea no problem Dar, somebody’s gotta be here to watch your sorry arse, we don’t need our gunner getting plugged before the party starts!” “Oh, very funny Satev, thought I would give you a safe place to hide behind the big gun for once” retorted Darlow. Darlow and Satev had been friends since Darlow was selected into the Chyriptoran Guard 2 years back, he was a veteran of the Ork Invasions of the Skitian Gulf and was no stranger to urban warfare. Satev and Darlow where both 24 Imperial Standard years old and had been in active guard and PDF service since there late teens. “No Kidding though Satev, I really want somebody who knows what he’s doing, this is gonna be one hell of a shit-storm and I would feel better knowing I’m covered.” Darlow said as he lit a lho stick and savored it, he thought it might be his last. “Don't worry Darlow You’re covered.” Satev went to take a drag of Darlow’s lho stick but Sgt. Deckk approached both of them and nodded to each respectively “Troopers, we have 5 minutes ‘till the operation begins and the Host will not give this bridge up easily, Squad fall in!” on command the 7 other troopers in the squad ran to the Sergeant and took a knee in a semi circle, Sgt. Deckk surveyed the squad and never felt more pride for a fighting unit, “The attack will begin in under 5 minutes, there will be no official signal to begin for the ground forces, all we know is that there will be a massive air strike, after which we are to move to our primary objectives as soon as possible, good luck, and the Emperor Protects.” EXACTLY ON TIME the air strike began, 230 Marauders and Destroyers began a carpet bombing run of the western side of the Karnos River. This was the largest cooperative air strike since the counter invasion began, 50 Thunderbolts and Vulture gun ships came in immediately behind the Bombers to sweep any Host cultists that were emerging from cover and to hit any of the now exposed underground bunkers. The air strike phase of the bombardment was completed in under 15 minutes, then the ground bombardment began. A 4 kilometer municipal park as well as the Hab and merchant blocks surrounding had been cleared to form a forward artillery park 10 blocks east of the Karnos river bridge heads, the Ankorah being the chief crossing objective received the most attention in the way of over 140 Earthshaker’s, 80 Medusa platforms and 95 Manticore batteries opened fire on whatever was left of the western side of the bridge. The entire joint air strike and bombardment took only took 24 minutes, but in that time hell had visited Leikzingard. The once busy and regal streets where reduced to nothing but rubble and a cratered landscape. The moment the bombardment finished 5000 Chyriptoran Guard and some 3000 PDF units stormed the 4 Karnos River crossings. “FORWARD MEN FORWARD! MOVE MOVE!” shouted Hartzman at the top of his lungs as Echo Platoon, 3rd CMP, 8th Chyriptoran Guard charged down the main thoroughfare towards the Ankorah Bridge. The other 4 platoons in 3rd Company hit the Docks and the Warehouse sprawls to the north and south of the Ankorah bridge for use as a gun battery and crossing point for the assault on the bridge fort now being referred to as “Objective Titan”. After those objectives were completed the other platoons would then converge on the bridge for the push ahead, Lt. Hartzman was still waiting for the miracle command had promised would turn the tide of this battle. Sergeant Vel ran headlong towards the last Hab stack on the block overlooking the Bridge and surrounding streets, his squad stacked the door and prepared a breaching charge as auto rifle rounds pinged off the wall around them, the door charge blew and Vel was the first man in, he blasted a las-burst into a terribly disfigured Host cultist as he stepped aside to let the 2, 3, and 4 man in behind him. Once his squad was in they began the arduous task of clearing the hab, room by room. Here was a family found dead in there room, killed by the cultists because they refused compliance, there was a room filled with mutilated corpses and a pool of blood with nauseating symbols etched into the walls, the room would have to be marked for cleansing. Vel’s squad met fierce resistance on the 2nd floor in the form of a heavy stubber being fired through a blown in doorway, this threat was handled by a round from the squads grenadier and they quickly resumed there blitzkrieg advance up the stack, leaving dead and mangled cultists in there wake. The cultists being no match for the ruthless efficiency and accuracy of the Guard began to retreat to the uppermost room to prepare a det-charge to bring the entire stack down, a Valkyrie Vendetta pattern armed with wing mounted punisher cannons tore the room to ash and ruin. Vel’s squad then began taking up firing positions around the hab to cover Sgt. Cheleko’s advance towards the neighboring Hab stack across the street. Cheleko and his squad were pinned behind a roadblock made of an overturned arbites armored truck and scholam transport, an autocannon bunker was positioned down the street below a statue of Macharius defaced with symbols of Tzeentch , “this is Sergeant Cheleko! we are pinned down behind an overturned transport bus by an autocannon position, we need air support! we will pop smoke, we cannot proceed to objective at this time! Helis, get a signal smoke on them I don’t want us to get plastered by our own support! everyone covering fire!” on command the squad laid a withering hail of las rounds down the street, one cultist was hit in the face with such force her head was blown off, another’s leg was blasted off and he laid on the street convulsing. Trooper Helis stepped out of cover and tossed a signal smoke down the street, it landed just short of the Host position when a sniper hit Helis in the collarbone, throwing him to the floor. “Shit! get him back behind cover! medic medic!” Cheleko yelled as Helis was dragged back to the relative safety of the overturned scholam transport, “get his vest off! put pressure on the wound! hold him down! Where the hell is that medic!?”. A Tauros Venator screeched to a halt behind the roadblock and began spraying the cultist bunker with multi-laser fire, a medic and assisting trooper dropped from the handholds and ran at Helis “back! back! well take him from here give us room!” yelled the medics as they got to work on the wounded trooper. “Sgt. he looks bad the round passed clean through but splinters of bone went everywhere he wont make it out here” said the chief medic “Do whatever you have to do!” replied Cheleko as he turned back and laid a rain of fire at an upper floor window where the sniper foolishly did not reposition from after taking the shot. An Imperial lightning swooped low overhead and fired two hunter-killer missiles at the gun position, destroying it and the defaced statue, when it pulled up for its escape vector a ground launched SAM hit the lightning and sent it plummeting into the freezing river in a spray of debris. “There’s our opening! lets move!” called Cheleko and the squad followed him as they bounded from cover to cover in groups of two, laying suppressive fire down at cultists strewn across the street. The entrance to the Hab stack was open, no breaching charge would be needed. The squad rolled in through the doorway and into the darkness of the enemy held building. To a less prepared unit they would need to activate there lamp packs to pierce the darkness, which would reveal themselves to the cultists, the guard activated there helmet mounted low light lenses and there views were filled with a green illumination allowing them to see there surroundings easily. The squad separated into seeker pairs of two Guardians each with Cheleko making sure the entrance they came in from remained clear. Trooper Cairn, a 6 year Guard veteran followed by Trooper Lisz, a newly selected Guardian moved stealthily down the main hallway towards the stairwell, checking each door as the pair swept through the lower floor killing the raving cultists as they waited to spring an ambush in the darkness, any advantage they had was quickly removed as the Guardian low light visors revealed any hidden Black Host soldiers. Cairn reached the stairwell and began moving upwards, las rifle aimed at the flight above him covering his advance with Lisz behind him. Cairn arrived at the second story landing first and checked his corners, clicking his vox bead twice as a silent signal to Lisz that there were cultists ahead and to prepare to go loud. Cairn rolled out first and dropped to his knee, Lisz popped out to Cairn’s right and stood at his shoulder. Lisz fired first and killed two cultists with a sweeping burst which cut and fused the throat of the first and punched clean through the chest of the second. A cultist with a deformed spine, bending him in a permanently crouched position ran into the hall and squealed in surprise at the sudden ambush, Cairn dropped him with a burst to the face and shoulders. The pair waited 3 seconds for any further contact and then moved on to clear the second floor, 2 more seeker pairs crept up the stair’s behind Cairn and Lisz to continue the systematic clearing of the building. Cheleko was receiving heavy fire at the front entrance from a group of cultists brandishing captured PDF las rifles and auto rifles, 3 cultists lay dead in the street as they foolishly tried to charge the Sergeant. He was making a good account for himself but there numbers were quickly growing and soon he would need support, the Venator the medics drove in on rounded the corner and cut a swathe of multi-laser fire into the horde of cultists and two Chyriptoran Guardians dropped off the hand rails on the side of the vehicle, dropped to one knee and began adding there firepower to the fusillade. The cultists broke and ran down the street where they were cut down by concentrated fire coming from squad Vel’s position in the Hab stack they successfully cleared. Cheleko’s vox bead chirped 3 times signaling there primary objective was achieved, the Hab stack had been successfully cleared, both Hab stacks had been cleared in 10 minutes with only 1 casualty, Helis had bled out in the Tauros on the way back to the medical tents, bone fragments had pierced his heart, lung, and sliced his carotid artery. but the Battle for Ankorah had only just begun and many more Guardians would loose there life in the coming hours. ALPHA AND BRAVO platoons had been stymied in there advance for the docks by a large Black Host presence and there were even rumors of sorcery being used there, half of Alpha platoon lost there lives in the attack. One hour after the first Guardian forces began there assault, the docks where again under Imperial control. The conflict over the warehouse district was equally as difficult, the warehouse’s had been emptied of any vital supplies by the arbites and the PDF when it was clear that the cultists where taking control of the city. As a result the storehouse’s were virtually empty, leaving the cultists relatively no cover to defend against the guardian attacks. The superior firepower of the Guardians cut the cultists down to the last man, the Guardians however lost the command squad of Charlie platoon, a full 13 men in the slaughter at the warehouse’s. The Imperial gun positions were successfully erected after the corpses of the Black Hosts were removed. The newly positioned field guns of the Chyriptoran Guard, some 10 Earthshaker’s and 15 Medusa batteries began firing on Objective Titan almost immediately. This should have signaled the beginning of the second phase of the operation, however the Guardians ran into harder then expected resistance around the mouth of the bridge. “GET YOUR HEAD DOWN!” yelled Deckk before a sweep of las and auto rifle fire played along the top of the Arbites barricade that was left behind from the first battles for the bridge head. Sgt. Deckk and Lt. Hartzman’s squad had engaged a large force of Black Host cultists which had them pinned down from a joined set of trenches and sand bag emplacements which blocked the mouth of the bridge completely. Numerous calls for aide had been placed but all air support units were being diverted to a critical situation at Denizen’s Bridge where Imperial forces were suffering from a massive Host counter attack, there was already whispers of daemons on the battlefield. “Deckk! I just got word from Command, they are diverting a couple of armored elements to us as well as Delta and half of Charlie platoon, we just have to hold out a little longer!” yelled Hartzman who was busy blind firing over the lip of the barricade, a stifled cry of pain let him know he scored at least one hit. “Darlow! get that .30 going again!” yelled Deckk, the .30 having jammed two minutes before, “Sir I have to say I would really love to oblige sir! we’re trying!”. Satev popped the cover assembly open and cleared the belt and immediately found the problem, a spent casing had gotten half jammed down the barrel and the other half stuck in the bolt release, the heat had fused half the casing into the barrel, they would need to swap it out. Darlow pulled out a monofilament knife and cut a small section of the casing away, allowing them enough space to unscrew the barrel and slide a new one in place. Satev slid the ammo belt in place after Darlow screwed in a new barrel, they closed the cover assembly and Darlow began firing again. “Good work Darlow! now keep the pressure on them! reinforcements are comin this way!”. The squad all popped up in unison and fired a sustained set of bursts now that there .30 was up again, a crowd of cultists were cut down in the street and the few that still retained some sanity ran for cover behind a wrecked Chimera troop transport. The Tauros assault vehicle the squad advanced with had been hit by an IED when they took up position to the left of the barricade, leaving them in a proper position to assist the pinned Guardians, the driver was killed instantly and the gunner was thrown from his position. The gunner however only suffered light wounds and was able to get back onto his gun and was laying a steady stream of grenades effectively dismantling a heavy stubber emplacement to the right of the mouth of the bridge. “Come on boys we almost got them! just keep firing and these heretic scum will break soon enough!” yelled Hartzman, keeping a steady stream of encouragement was just as effective as a steady stream of fire if used correctly. A massive explosion blasted apart the left flank of the Host barricade and Hartzman turned to see the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. A Leman Russ Vanquisher tank trundled into place next to the Guardian position, its heavy bolters blasting away at the Host bunkers, the tank commander was outside the hatch firing with the heavy stubber at retreating cultists. The Vanquisher cannon fired again, lifting dust and throwing debris away from the overpressure shockwave as the massive shell destroyed an autocannon the Host cultists where trying to pack up and run with. The entire platoon redoubled there efforts and finally squads Cheleko and Vel where in position and firing down at the retreating cultists. A second heavy tank, a Leman Russ Punisher pulled up next to the Tauros and began spraying what was left of the Host fortifications with a lethal rain of high explosive incendiary shells. Behind the arrival of the heavy tanks, Delta and the surviving elements of Charlie platoon charged the bridge. Deckk and Hartzman took there chance and followed the other platoons, the two and a half platoons all formed two ranks seamlessly, the first rank taking a knee and the second standing behind them, in unison both ranks fired like armies of old, blasting and blasting away at the retreating Black Host soldiers. At 16:45 the Ankorah Eastern Bridgehead was under Imperial control again for the first time in 2 years.
I know its quite wall of textish but i have tried editing it to break it up into the format it really is as an original document but it isn't really carrying over properly, feel free to be as harsh as you like about it, if you need any clarification on vehicles or weapons used, reference Forgeworld.co.uk or the lexicanum
just to point out, if you plan of making a book you should get in touch with GW, and the Black Library in particular, all WHF and 40k literally has to go through the BL, under Games Workshop's supervision, you cant go to just any publisher. from what i know of them... they seem to be a friendly group, and if they get interested in your work, will hook you up with a good editor. also, as much as this may bite me in the ass..... if you are planning to make a real book your SHOULD NOT post it here... publishers will not publish a book that has already been freely released... theres no money in it.
oh yea i already contacted BL and let them know my intentions, luckily they have an open submission period going on until the end of the month so i just need to bang out two more chapters and a synopsis of them and it will be submitted. And it would be wayyy to long to post my full book here lol, i just put the first chapter out as sort of a demo as a way of critiquing my writing skills.
what did you think of it otherwise? i def value the opinion of a fellow 40k fan twice as much as usual lol
seems fine, needs a Editor, but to be frank, all authors do. Authors are the artists... Editors are the academics. The main issue i see is that you seem to take things... out of order. imo, in the first part, you should go setting>voice>shot, instead of voice>shot>setting, a chaos crier bawling across a desolate or shattered land/cityscape, and even the satisfaction of his end are lessened if we dont know that hes calling across a desolate or shattered land/cityscape untill after the fact. takes the punch out of it. the same can be said for most places where you began with dialogue, setting the scene first will help build empathy, as opposed to having a bunch of faceless voices chatter, *then* introducing the speakers. not saying this style cant be done... one just has to be *very* careful and perhaps abit fey with it, doing it by rote doesnt work. potential exists, just needs polish.
thanks! that was what I was worried about, I have always had problems with knowing which order seems the best when it comes to writing dialogue and describing characters, I have done alot of editing since posted but after re reading it I do see what you mean, mostly in the first character when Hartzman is speaking with his NCO's, I did edit in a description of the characters in chapter 2 so im most likely just going to do some re arranging. I can say that some of the characters that may seem like they play a bigger role in the book that are not properly "introduced" are played down later and at the 3rd chapter they are completely gone. not saying there dead but they just are going to be finished with there part in the book. Thx for the pointers.
I'll critique when I take the time to read it, which I will. Been wanting to write a novel myself, but am probably going to wait until after I publish my physic pieces for my p.hd.
no problem doc, I had been waiting to get down to some serious writing for a long time but i never really sat down to get started, once i saw BL has an open submission i went into over drive mode lol