This ache isn’t unfamiliar, I’ve gone through it before; the yearning to want to be closer to someone, to feel them, to love them. Except this time the situation is a bit different; I’ve never met this person, nor do I think I ever will. Because, you see, this person is an actor who I can never hope to meet; our lives will never cross paths and even if by some chance we were to meet, nothing would come of it. The odds are simply astronomical. These sorts of emotions are curious, though. How can one deep so deeply infatuated with another without ever having met them or even seeing them in person? This person does not even know I exist and yet I sometimes trick myself into thinking they do; it’s a bit unnerving. I keep finding myself with a glimmer of hope. Maybe one day my dreams really will come true and they’ll fall madly in love with me. But they won’t and, while I am consciously aware of this fact, I find myself constantly slipping up. Deep within the caverns of my mind every time I think about this person I unwillingly feel that hope; I just can’t control it. I wonder why we, as humans, are like this. We strive and hope for the impossible, looking for a glimmer of light in the darkest reaches of our minds, constantly fooling our selves into believing things that are false. I dare say that I am addicted to this person, looking up photos, bios, movies and television shows they’ve been in. Would that be considered stalking? Web stalking (if there is such a thing)? I certainly feel like more than a fan. I keep asking my self this question, however: why am I submitting myself to such agony? When ever I see their face I am filled with a deep sense of longing, and more often than not, heart break. So then why, I ask you, would anyone submit ourselves to torture and not just submit ourselves to it but seek it out. Like I said, curious. I’m not sure I can call this love; can you truly love someone you’ve never met and, by extension, someone who doesn’t know you exist? I’m in no position to come to a conclusion on this on my own; I’ve never had these sorts of feelings returned so I really don’t know what it feels like to actually be in love with another human being. Of course I’ve had my crushes in the past (some similar feeling to this, though a bit different) but if I’ve ever felt love for anyone other than family I didn’t recognize it. After all, love for your family and sensual love are two completely different things. It’s a constant pressure in your chest, like you’re always in an adrenaline rush. Your heart is beating so hard you feel it and, no matter how hard you try to slow it, it won’t. Thump thump thump. Never ending; it becomes uncomfortable after a while. So, returning to the topic, why do we submit ourselves to this? The theory I believe to hold the most truth is perhaps we can’t help ourselves. Perhaps that need to find the light in the darkness is so hard wired into our very nature that we simply can’t ignore it; a sense of urgency of not wanting to be in the dark anymore, because after all, the dark can be a scary place. All sorts of negative emotions dwell inside us if we get lost in the dark for to long: depression, uneasiness, hostility; the list goes on. But usually, as I’ve noticed, we end up traveling further into that darkness rather than into the light. I suspect that this is because we assume, usually not even considering the fact that the light is actually in the opposite direction from these emotions, from the very person we think holds the light. Perhaps we get so lost in what we want that we loose all sight of what we need. But, once again, we just can’t help ourselves. Perhaps love isn’t difficult at all, maybe we just make it difficult. Curious, no? ------------------ If you couldn’t tell, yes, I was quite a bit depressed when I wrote this. We I’m feeling down I write about what I’m feeling; it’s my coping mechanism. I find that if write down exactly what you’re feeling at the time you’re feeling it, it helps you better understand yourself and how to a) help yourself or b) find someone who can, and from that theory spawned this little tid bit. Feel free to discus. Just thought I'd share.
Humans are not designed to be rational, emotions are never false, and your definition of love is not necessarily the definition other people write about that you read and hear about. My definition of love is that you care about someone, they make you happy just for being them, you feel generally connected in an inexplicable way regardless of how many layers of truth and mind expansion you go through, you can disagree with them, dislike them and even hate them while still loving them. I think a major disconnect in cultures today is the synonymous inclusion of love/interest/attracted, and that we seem to bundle the word up into this little ball, kind of like we say "you" but that can mean totally different things depending on the context, and with this lack of articulation we can say (as an example of confusion): "you didn't want to do something, but you had to do something, so you actually wanted to do something, but you weren't being yourself at the time so you didn't do it, but in your mind you did" In this same way we can bumble about our lives confined by such things as easy comprehension and never know much about anything, and something so profound as a thought concept based on a feeling you can't describe properly... I do not claim to have the final answer on that. But I doubt you love him, at least to my definition which may be more or less intense than if it were defined by others. If you want help and support then hey, I can work with you through this rough stage in your life, if not then good luck.
lol It's not quite that I was looking for support, this is just a coping mechanism of mine. Once I was finished writing it I was like "Meh, why not post it?"
intresting thots and definately makes u rethink ur position on things . . . *waves vigorously* high secksy, miss playing GW with joo